Thursday, December 4, 2014

BB Wolff: These three pigs...

I learned from the Little Red Riding Hood fiasco that people really weren't relating well to me. My personal "clean up the forest" project had been a little too personal -- as in not public enough. People just saw me as another wolf lurking in the forest.

So I worked on my English and started  a personal safety training business. I started to get to know and get known in the community. It was actually a really fun process. I'll have to tell you about it someday.

One day, though, I had a class run out to a meadow in the forest. As the class was practicing self-defense moves, I noticed a small road had been built at one edge of the meadow. Throughout the rest of class, I noticed three different pigs walking down the road.

After the class had finished and dispersed, I decided to investigate. As I headed down the little road, I discovered three of the most curious little houses. The first was made of straw, then a little ways down the road, another was made of sticks, and way at the end of the road was a good solid brick house.

Being a good neighbor and hoping to recruit new customers for my self-defense classes, I thought I'd introduce myself. I approached the straw house. I noticed immediately that the house was not very securely built. Any little breeze might at some point knock it right over.

From a distance, I called, "Mr. Pig! Mr. Pig! May I come in?"

I chuckled to myself at his clever, rhyming reply, "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

So I tried to explain myself further, "l just wanted to warn you that even I could blow your house in!"

Sadly, I also sneezed!

I was right! The house was demolished instantly! I felt badly, and scrambled over to help the pig who was buried in the pile of straw that had been his house. I sniffed him out and pulled him free with my teeth.

Sadly, I may have nipped him a little!

As soon as I set him on the ground, he took off squealing all the way to the next little house. You remember? The one made of sticks? As I got closer, I realized the tiny sticks left huge gaps in the walls! This house would be no shelter from the cold winter winds that were soon to arrive.

When I thought they could hear, I called, "Mr. Pig! Mr. Pig! May I come in?"

They must be rappers. They both called out together, "Not by the hair of our chinny chin chin!"

Again, I called out to explain, "I just wanted to warn you that even I could blow in your house!"

I think I was allergic to something that day, because I sneezed again!

The house was in worse shape than I thought. It swayed a little, then crumpled in onto itself! Fearing for the worst, I ran over and started sniffing around for the pigs. I caught their scent and pulled them both free together.

Under the circumstances, an accidental nip was almost inevitable. I felt badly as they ran up the little road to the last house.

Wanting to make sure they arrived safely and didn't need medical attention, I followed closely after them. A third pig held the door open for them and slammed it just as I was approaching.

"Mr. Pig! Mr. Pig! May I come in?" I called.

I heard them hurriedly conferring with each other, then, in unison, "Not by the hair of our chinny chin chin!"

What a strange family tradition! I replied loudly, "Your house seems strong, but I'm going to check for a way to get in!"

I walked around and around the house, huffing and puffing from all the running and excitement. It all looked sturdy, but I thought I'd better check the roof. From the chimney arose a wonderful aroma of stew that must have been almost ready.

I jumped off the roof and called to the pigs, "Looks good! ... and smells good!"

The third pig, who had just gathered the whole story from his brothers, came out and introduced himself. He was beside himself trying hard not to laugh. He had been in town earlier and had heard of my self-defense classes. His brothers, he said, could really use some confidence building.

He invited me in for dinner to the dismay of his little brothers.

Now I understand kids needing to save face in front of their peers, so it didn't surprise me at all to start hearing a different version of what happened that day. Each time I hear it, though, I just chuckle to myself.

Now you can, too!

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